Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.

You couldn’t tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation.

Middle age: when you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.

A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the evidence is all in.

An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been discontinued.

If writers were good businessmen, they’d have too much sense to be writers.

A good storyteller is a person with a good memory and hopes other people haven’t.

A woman may have a witty tongue or a stinging pen but she will never laugh at her own individual shortcomings.

As I understand it, sport is hard work for which you do not get paid.

A sudden violent jolt of it has been known to stop the victim’s watch, snap his suspenders and crack his glass eye right across.