SANDLOTTER, n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political views of Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences gathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town. True to the traditions of his...

HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods.

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many...

HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads.

PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could supply –the sword, the...

TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the...

URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, “”I beg your pardon,”” and it is not consistent...

RIGHT, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right to be a king, the right to do one’s neighbor, the right to have measles, and the like. The first of...

PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it.

PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was...

HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States...

PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.

REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden’s hand in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by...

HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax.In ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could not wring From all his subjects gold enough To make the royal way less rough. For pleasure’s highway, like...

BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin he hath, And, for he’s...

ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.So wide his erudition’s mighty span, He knew Creation’s origin and plan And only came by accident to grief — He thought, poor man,...

Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism.

ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.

EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.To one who, journeying through night and fog, Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog,...

ABRACADABRA.By _Abracadabra_ we signify An infinite number of things.’Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? And Whence? and Whither? –a word whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all...

LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and...

FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is...

Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego

Electricity is the power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else.

OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.

LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney’s position in the matter has not...

INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of his services...

BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third. Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute nobleman,...

CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to the show business. There are two kinds of camels –the camel proper and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited.

BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given.

HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets.

EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile...

RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for precious metals in the pocket of a fool.

RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid’s belief in the virtue of maids.

RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas.

Capital Punishment, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of which many worthy persons – including all the assassins – entertain grave misgivings

TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words were: “Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his...

QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.Intent on making his quotation truer, He sought the page infallible of Brewer, Then made a solemn vow that we would...

EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.””I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,”” said Brillat- Savarin, beginning an anecdote. “”What!”” interrupted Rochebriant; “”eating dinner in a drawing-room?””...

ADOLESCENCE The stage between puberty and adultery.

MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.

ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts –guilty of education and suspected of bank...

PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth Palace when living and...

RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one’s neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.Alas, things ain’t what...

CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise...

PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction –prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.