Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.

LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers –particularly to those who love not wisely but other men’s wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to...

PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect...

APOTHECARY, n. The physician’s accomplice, undertaker’s benefactor and grave worm’s provider.When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth Disease for...

SATYR, n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded recognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose allegiance with...

ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it.Enough is as good as a feast –for that matter Enougher’s as good as a feast for the platter. –Arbely C. Strunk

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it...

FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint’s infinite multitude of methods. A political condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. Liberty. The distinction...

LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and enlightenment.

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men

PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.

PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom –and of whom only –it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.If...

KNIGHT, n.Once a warrior gentle of birth, Then a person of civic worth, Now a fellow to move our mirth. Warrior, person, and fellow –no more: We must knight our dogs to get any lower....

POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author’s contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor.

Dog – a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world’s worship.

MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich.

GRAPE, n.Hail noble fruit! –by Homer sung, Anacreon and Khayyam; Thy praise is ever on the tongue Of better men than I am.The lyre in my hand has never swept, The song I cannot offer:...

ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except...

MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian . . . handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals.

PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called “trousers” by the...

HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.

FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word to define, but when I consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; when I...

R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attesting to indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductus in pulvis_.

ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, and after supper they agreed to...

FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in profane literature is in Homer’s narrative of the war between them and the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted Homer’s authorship of the...

CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas.

JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.

AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard.Should you ask me whence this laughter, Whence this audible big-smiling, With its labial extension, With its maxillar distortion And its diaphragmic rhythmus...

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.Said...

Opportunity is a favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.

GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various degrees of the bird’s intellectual energies and emotional character, so that when inked...

FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.

Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one’s mouth, pulls coins out of one’s pockets.

SCEPTER, n. A king’s staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the bones of...

EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free...

PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.

RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an elemental unit of a parade.The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in...

Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them...

PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion.

HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.

PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another’s treasure.

EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation.Hail, high Excess –especially in wine, To thee in worship do I bend the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me —...

Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.

Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.

WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a “joke.”