DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.

PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw’s classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in “”reading character”” in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The pretence is not altogether false; character...

DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, whose important function is to brand the Pope’s bulls with the words _Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God.

HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one’s own spirits.Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbish had been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps –“”Hypochondriasis.”” It meant The Dumps....

LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system –an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and...

Congratulations is the civility of envy.

Perfection is an imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.

RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it into several European...

END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the Interlocutor.The man was perishing apace Who played the tambourine; The seal of death was on his face –‘Twas pallid, for ’twas clean.””This is the...

AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to.

RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two.

RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist.

MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot.

HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent invention; our...

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, Was wroth at his master, who’d kissed Lady Port. His anger provoked...

PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place. In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow’s...

DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack.

PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he never exert it.

MAGDALENE, n. An inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found out. This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary of Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by St. Luke....

A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker.

SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with small,...

DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.

There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted against the...

CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ –whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however,...

DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.A leaf was riven from a tree,”I mean to fall to earth,” said he.The west wind, rising, made him veer.”Eastward,” said...

ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. For...

CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.

IN’ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not class the soul as an in’ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ...

Life. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.

ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.

TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.

EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador. An English sea-captain being asked if he had read “”The Exile of Erin,”” replied: “”No, sir, but I should like...

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, “”Is life worth living?”” has been much discussed;...

UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.

FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.

ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when...

BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which it is their business to deprive others.

Experience. The wisdom that enables us to recognize in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.

APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.Of Roman history, great Niebuhr’s shown’Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish ’twere known, Ere...

UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode...

HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, but not infrequently confounded with “”aureola,”” or “”nimbus,”” a somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints. The halo is a purely...

Embalm, v.: To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile...

ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.One day a wag –what would the wretch be at? — Shifted a letter of the...