AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way.

but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the moral instructor is no garden of sweets.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull.

OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A pessimist applied to God for relief.”Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness,” said God.”No,” replied the petitioner, “I wish you...

OTHERWISE, adv. No better.

HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.

SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our familiar “tumble-bug.” It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit of incubating...

KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for “”bliss.”” It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the...

EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other –which is no more sensible than it would be...

Physician — One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the pen.

HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old-fashioned sea-captains....

HERS, pron. His.

TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:TO MY PET TORTOISEMy friend, you are not graceful –not at all; Your gait’s between a stagger and...

ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one’s whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more...

REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm.

Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.

DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to political preferment.

NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been...

PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility.

QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.

MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female...

BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways –by immersion, or plunging,...

IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man’s notions of right...

TAIL, n. The part of an animal’s spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of its own. Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a...

FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one’s opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some...

BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head.

OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it. The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of government, appointed one hundred of his...

MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects have had occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has...

RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself.

OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy. The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal.

OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as the advance of an army against its enemy.”Were the enemy’s tactics offensive?” the king asked. “I should say so!” replied the unsuccessful general. “The blackguard wouldn’t come...

MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon –that is to say, words...

LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect.

MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But “”mousquetaire”” is a might poor way to spell muskeeter.

PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to...

LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.

INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, divines, ecclesiastics, popes,...

GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone.A...

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain.”Close-fisted Scotchman!” Johnson cried To thrifty J. Macpherson;”See me –I’m ready to divide With any worthy person.” Sad Jamie: “That is very...

CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet –two clarionets.

MAMMON, n. The god of the world’s leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York.He swore that all other religions were gammon, And wore out his knees in the worship...

ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.

CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is the...

DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is...

INTENTION, n. The mind’s sense of the prevalence of one set of influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.