ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when...

BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which it is their business to deprive others.

Experience. The wisdom that enables us to recognize in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.

APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.Of Roman history, great Niebuhr’s shown’Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish ’twere known, Ere...

UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode...

HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, but not infrequently confounded with “”aureola,”” or “”nimbus,”” a somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints. The halo is a purely...

Embalm, v.: To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile...

ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.One day a wag –what would the wretch be at? — Shifted a letter of the...

CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one’s reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, “the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.”

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum – I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.

ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one’s friend’s friend.

ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.

HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.

IN’ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not class the soul as an in’ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ...

Life. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.

ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.

TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.

EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador. An English sea-captain being asked if he had read “”The Exile of Erin,”” replied: “”No, sir, but I should like...

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, “”Is life worth living?”” has been much discussed;...

UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.

FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.

FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The fairies are now...

RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform and from a soldier by his gait.

FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse’s tail on the entrails of a cat.

PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.

RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. Shaftesbury...

REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter.

DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French.

PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another. An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no better than death, was asked...

SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were...

PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.

WOMAN, n.An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility acquired in a former...

TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the...

ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.

TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.

BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker.

WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it...

BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can.

Incompatibility: In matrimony, a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.

CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the...

CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military ladder.Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, Our corporal heroically fell! Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl And said:...

EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is also much used in cases of extreme poverty.