RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald head and a bank account.

POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation.

COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power.

NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one’s competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob’s-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending.

Duty. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.

PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future....

DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number –just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for...

ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.

GORGON, n.The Gorgon was a maiden bold Who turned to stone the Greeks of old That looked upon her awful brow. We dig them out of ruins now, And swear that workmanship so bad Proves...

YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.But yesterday I should have thought me blest To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak Of middle life and look adown the...

INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most...

Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen

PUBLISH, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics.

Here’s to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands

RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic.

INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent –as innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable...

QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.He extracted from his quiver, Did the controversial Roman, An argument well fitted To the question as submitted,...

WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as...

SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and...

LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he “”lost his election””; and of that eminent man, the poet...

APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.

AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way.

but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the moral instructor is no garden of sweets.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull.

OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A pessimist applied to God for relief.”Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness,” said God.”No,” replied the petitioner, “I wish you...

OTHERWISE, adv. No better.

HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.

SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our familiar “tumble-bug.” It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit of incubating...

KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for “”bliss.”” It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the...

EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other –which is no more sensible than it would be...

Physician — One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the pen.

HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old-fashioned sea-captains....

HERS, pron. His.

TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:TO MY PET TORTOISEMy friend, you are not graceful –not at all; Your gait’s between a stagger and...

ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one’s whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more...

REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm.

Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.

DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to political preferment.

NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been...

PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility.

QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.

MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female...

BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways –by immersion, or plunging,...

IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man’s notions of right...

TAIL, n. The part of an animal’s spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of its own. Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a...

FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one’s opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some...

BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head.