REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to enforce an optional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of public order...

MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. The...

ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters of...

Habit: The shackles of the free.

UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This...

ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors.

PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.”Behold great Daubert’s picture here on view — Taken from Life.” If that description’s true, Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too. –Jali...

DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided...

NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting of the opposition.

BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the- grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said by...

DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.

NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.

EXCOMMUNICATION, n.This “”excommunication”” is a word In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal — A rite permitting Satan to enslave him...

GNOME, n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough in the southern...

CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio’s function was to preside over history –which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being...

IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.

TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.

FOLLY, n. That “”gift and faculty divine”” whose creative and controlling energy inspires Man’s mind, guides his actions and adorns his life.Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once In a thick volume, and all authors known,...

OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as “unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous.” And the good prelate was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in...

WORMS’-MEAT, n. The finished product of which we are the raw material.

Vote: The instrument and symbol of a free man’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide.This is a truth, as old as the hills, That...

OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, as an _old man_. Discredited by lapse of time and offensive to the popular taste, as an _old_ book.”Old books? The...

SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the vices and follies of the author’s enemies were expounded with imperfect tenderness. In this country satire never had more than a sickly and uncertain...

BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters –the most difficult kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.

RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.He held at court a rank so high That other noblemen asked why.”Because,” ’twas answered, “others lack His skill to scratch the royal back.” –Aramis Jukes

COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient.This commonwealth’s capitol’s corridors view, So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew Of clerks, pages, porters and...

PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains. –Rev. Dr. Mucker(in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman)Cold pie is a detestable American comestible....

GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring the dead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of comforting...

FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person –a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted to lose his case.When Adam long ago in Cupid’s awful court(For Cupid...

EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

Divorce. A resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. _House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal service, and for...

Strike while your employer has a big contract.

WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator’s testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an element of pride.

EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of...

ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.

MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In a republic, the object of the statesman’s adoration. “”In a multitude of consellors there is wisdom,”” saith the proverb. If many men of...

KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.They say that hens do cackle loudest when There’s nothing vital in the eggs they’ve laid; And there are hens, professing to...

EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.

LOW-BRED, adj. “”Raised”” instead of brought up.

DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says...

WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven....

COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do not equal, our own.

HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.