Secret 737160022162. It’s unthinkable only to the extent it’s doable.

Secret 4081312. Every bullet’s magic if you’ve got a magic gun.

If knowledge is but sorrow’s spy, it proves a double agent by and by.

My operational cover won’t withstand scrutiny. It starts blushing and giggling every time.

The following information is classified Third Eye Only.

The TSA confused a bottle of perfume with a hand grenade. Talk about an embarrassing mistake – everybody knows perfume is far more lethal.

Secret 9.6. When writing a contact report, the term ‘intense vocalization’ should be used in place of words like ‘moan,’ ‘pant’ and ‘sigh.

I feel small when I stand beside the ocean, next to all those fat people in bathing suits.

Kiss the girls and make them neither confirm nor deny.

Don’t touch me – I don’t know where I’ve been.

Always write your signature move in disappearing ink.

If you’re a comedian undergoing brain surgery, I assume you’re not permitted to be conscious during the procedure, for your own safety.

Charles Schultz: Don’t be afraid the world will end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.The Covert Comic: I’ve been calling Australia all morning, and there’s no answer.

11% of Americans believe HTML is a sexually transmitted disease. In reality, HTML is caused by bacteria living in the lower bowel.

Texting depersonalizes communication, rendering human interaction one dimensional. But there are downsides to texting too.

Remember, a lot can’t happen on Facebook since you last logged in as long as you’re logged in to Facebook.

Motivational Secret of the Week: Aim for the stars – even if you miss, you may hit an executive producer.

I stand behind my words – it’s just hard to see me because they’re so much bigger than I am.

The Seven Habits of Highly Cleared People1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. , or refer to Habit 7.7.

If the criteria was whether it demanded a cash bribe, what data wouldn’t be considered corrupted?

The height of your position on it notwithstanding, the fact is you’re still living on a hog.

Successfully resisted a honeypot approach by Russian intelligence. One lingering concern: how did the Russians find out I like honey?

That still small voice within sure seems to refuse to confirm or deny a lot.

Indie band names would make better song titles; indie song titles would make better band names.

We’re all divorced from reality – the only question is whether you’re paying alimony or receiving it.

Motivational Secret of the Week: A clenched fist cannot give the finger.

Secret 7591037. Anything they can do to you, they can do for you; and anything they can do for you, they can do to you.

A double standard is a scandal. A single standard is an atrocity.

The hard part is over. Now comes the soft, gooey part that’s impossible to get off one’s shoes.

You’re so vain, I bet you think this Special National Intelligence Estimate is about you.

Not to be judgmental, but one thing I frankly find offensive is people who stand on street corners shaking cups with coins in them. … I mean, hey, I have money too, but you don’t...

Secret 53910321. When pitching a potential recruit, throw low and inside.

Motivational Secret of the Week: Dare to dream of dreaming daringly.

Scaling doesn’t scale.

It’s beginning to look like the reports of that Chinese search vessel hearing ‘a ping’ may have been a mistranslation.

If the CIA isn’t a force for truth, what is it good for? (Truth, I mean, not the CIA.)

Why do we assume space aliens will be less emotional than us? What if they’re more emotional? All that hugging could get old pretty quick.

When the entire document is redacted, everybody’s on the same page.

Wear your CIA badge like it’s an electric guitar and you’re a member of the Sex Pistols.

Some parts of the Bible I find a little troubling. For example, if Jesus really believed in nonviolence, why did He destroy the Death Star?

Post-traumatic stress disorder – otherwise known as “first day back from vacation.

A key sociological factor underlying the prevalence of zombies as a theme in modern culture is that zombie movies are cheap as hell to make.

Sooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.

Either every robot can dance the robot, or no robot can.

Anything worth doing is worth neither confirming nor denying having done.

If I didn’t have to kill you, I wouldn’t tell you.

Remember when the question ‘Ginger or Mary Ann’ had nothing to do with who would be the last surviving cast member?

Guns don’t kill people. An AR-15 from the National Rifle Association told me so.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were Leibnizian monadic reflections of the One Thing.

I support zero tolerance. But I draw the line at negative integers.