If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don’t think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years...

The buffalo isn’t as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven’t been taxed before.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday, … I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn’t let me – Homeland Security.

You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it.

I don’t know what’s coming next and neither does anyone else. It’s something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don’t want to face it. And there’s...

Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time we’ve got.

So far things are going my way. I am known in the hospice as The Man Who Wouldn’t Die. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I think some people, not many,...

And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate, and this was good because Man could then take his automobile and buy all his...

Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

The best things in life aren’t things.

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

Just when you think there’s nothing to write about, Nixon says, ‘I am not a crook.’ Jimmy Carter says, ‘I have lusted after women in my heart.’ President Reagan says, ‘I have just taken a...