LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.

Insurance: An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can’t find you.

PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.

A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.

PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an automobile.

DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead –a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers...

MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt.

MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen...

MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much.

ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood.Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said:””Behold, rash mortal, whom you’ve bled — Your soul’s stained white with...

IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of hands –a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.””Lo! by the...

FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.The sea was calm and the sky was blue; Merrily, merrily sailed we two.(High barometer maketh glad.) On the...

SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and...

HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh’s heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in...

ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in...

ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry met to consider it.””O servant of the Prophet,”” said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk...

OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser “”triumph.”” In modern English the word is improperly used to...

CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone.

PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by...

NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.

CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, “”Every man his own...

RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.

ROUNDHEAD, n. A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English civil war –so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other points...

MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign’s hostility. His principal qualification is a degree...

To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one’s voice.

ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.

OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed...

REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.

Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.The Enemy of Human Souls Sat grieving at the cost of coals; For Hell had been...

DIE, n. The singular of “dice.” We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, “Never say die.” At long intervals, however, some one says: “The die is cast,” which is not true,...

RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.

ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and devour it.

CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity, but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been...

Magpie, n.: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.

FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.

RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls “”external coexistences,”” as Satan “”squat like a toad”” at the ear of Eve, responded to...

DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor’s wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two...

HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.

INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.””You tiresome man!”” cried Indolentio’s wife,””You’ve grown indifferent to all in life.””””Indifferent?”” he drawled with a slow smile;””I would be, dear, but it is not worth while.”” –Apuleius...

HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half.””Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?”” Says the priest. “”Since the time ‘o yer wooin’ She’s niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at — For...

RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to wher we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by...

Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

LORD, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a costermonger

CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding.

REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; _de trop_.The Sultan said: “There’s evidence abundant To prove this unbelieving dog redundant.” To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, Replied: “His head, at least, appears excessive.” –Habeeb SuleimanMr. Debs...