FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.

Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one’s mouth, pulls coins out of one’s pockets.

SCEPTER, n. A king’s staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the bones of...

EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free...

PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.

RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an elemental unit of a parade.The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in...

Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them...

PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion.

HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.

PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another’s treasure.

EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation.Hail, high Excess –especially in wine, To thee in worship do I bend the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me —...

Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.

Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.

WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a “joke.”

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.

FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation holds lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in this simple...

GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.He saw a ghost. It occupied –that dismal thing! — The path that he was following. Before he’d time to stop and fly, An earthquake...

INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to –in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person’s fall was decreed from the...

ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another’s guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

GOUT, n. A physician’s name for the rheumatism of a rich patient.

INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly improper demons who, though probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best nights. For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including _incubae_...

LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.

CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.

GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain –the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their...

BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.

ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar.

HALF, n. One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience could...

LORE, n. Learning –particularly that sort which is not derived from a regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occult books, or by nature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore and...

SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of devouring the body placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern obsequiographers is...

Take not God’s name in vain; select a time when it will have effect.

POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has but one.

REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian.

EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of others...

MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.

Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.

PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.

They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.

CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.

RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_.

IMPROBABILITY, n.His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace. Improbable ’twas, no doubt, When you came to think it out, But the fascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all...

DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and the early fool.