Magpie, n.: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.

FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.

RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls “”external coexistences,”” as Satan “”squat like a toad”” at the ear of Eve, responded to...

DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor’s wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two...

HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.

INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.””You tiresome man!”” cried Indolentio’s wife,””You’ve grown indifferent to all in life.””””Indifferent?”” he drawled with a slow smile;””I would be, dear, but it is not worth while.”” –Apuleius...

HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half.””Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?”” Says the priest. “”Since the time ‘o yer wooin’ She’s niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at — For...

RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to wher we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by...

Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

LORD, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a costermonger

CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding.

MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers on the under side.

When in Rome, do as Rome does.

RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.

RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of Law.

PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy of opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.

DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one’s ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of...

Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.

RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead.

EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach...

THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science.

Acquaintance: a degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.

KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter....

History is an account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of possession.His light estate, if neither he did make it Nor yet its former guardian forsake it, Is portable improperly, I take it. –Worgum Slupsky

LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox:I sit...

LL.D. Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_, one learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast upon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly _LL.d._, and conferred only upon...

DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.

PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The...

KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a “”crowned head,”” although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.A king, in times long, long gone by, Said...

MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society.By misdemeanors he essays to climb Into the aristocracy of crime. O,...

I believe we shall come to care about people less and less. The more people one knows the easier it becomes to replace them. It’s one of the curses of London.

CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.A busy man complained one day:””I get no time!””...

When you doubt, abstain.

SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is used variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformer who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it “”led them to the...

GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it.Whether...

BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box of berries in a market –the fine ones on top –have been opened on the wrong side. An inverted gentleman.

GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin...

Habit is a shackle for the free.

SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. Frequently appended to each installment is a “”synposis of preceding chapters”” for those who...

PRE-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in creation.

USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to produce books that...

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others

INSECTIVORA, n.””See,”” cries the chorus of admiring preachers,””How Providence provides for all His creatures!””””His care,”” the gnat said, “”even the insects follows: For us He has provided wrens and swallows.”” –Sempen Railey

RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another. The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious writers of...

SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the...