ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.

LAST, n. A shoemaker’s implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns.Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, Where the cobbler is unknown, So that I might forget his last...

ZEUS, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of America, and...

New York is too strenuous for me; it gets on my nerves

SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.)

EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification from the senses.

Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.

Perserverance, n.: A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves glorious success.

IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors.

GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason. In his great work on _Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution_, the learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture...

OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors.

RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, O serviceable Rumor, let me wield Against my enemy no other blade. His...

ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few...

BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.

RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously known.

HEARSE, n. Death’s baby-carriage.

METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism.

CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance –against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry...

HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by...

Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

Genius – To know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things.

Least said is soonest disavowed.

SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are occupying a...

CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do _me_?

CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.

RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power.

Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the arts and industries. The question of its economical application to some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved that it will propel...

Better late than before anybody has invited you.

RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.

Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father – an act which made a deep impression on me at the time

INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache.

RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

SANDLOTTER, n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political views of Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences gathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town. True to the traditions of his...

HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods.

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many...

HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads.

PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could supply –the sword, the...

TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the...

URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, “”I beg your pardon,”” and it is not consistent...

RIGHT, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right to be a king, the right to do one’s neighbor, the right to have measles, and the like. The first of...

PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it.

PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was...

HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States...

PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.

REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden’s hand in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by...

HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax.In ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could not wring From all his subjects gold enough To make the royal way less rough. For pleasure’s highway, like...

BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin he hath, And, for he’s...

ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.So wide his erudition’s mighty span, He knew Creation’s origin and plan And only came by accident to grief — He thought, poor man,...