Marriage is the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

LAW, n.Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping.””Clear out!”” he cried, “”disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon your knees if you appear,’Tis plain your have no standing here.””Then Justice...

LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing a newspaper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to the blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the lickspittle is...

RICHES, n.A gift from Heaven signifying, “”This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.”” –John D. RockefellerThe reward of toil and virtue. –J.P. MorganThe sayings of many in the hands of one....

FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity.

GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.

EXISTENCE, n.A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem: From which we’re wakened by a friendly nudge Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: “”O fudge!””

TRINITY, n. In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not dowered with the power...

ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record.

TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing...

ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville.

LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genus _Lactuca_, “Wherewith,” says that pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, “God has been pleased to reward the good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man...

PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.

PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.

Romance is the fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of things as they are. In the novel the writer’s thought is tethered to probability, but in romance it ranges at will over the...

PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.O, what’s the loud uproar assailing Mine ears without cease?’Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing The horrors of peace.Ah, Peace Universal;...

REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation.

Confidante. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.

HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments –a very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once universal...

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman’s kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism;...

INFERIAE,n. [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for propitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for the pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual needs, and...

Advice is the smallest current coin.

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a...

LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign’s court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral. Of...

IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble said one day...

RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really...

INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both –as Walt Whitman’s poetry and...

DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago...

LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to infest the liver;...

FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar’s nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit.When David said: “”All men are liars,”” Dave, Himself a liar, fibbed like...

RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem.The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, The sound surceases and the sense expires. Then the domestic dog, to east and west, Expounds the passions burning in his...

HYPOCRITE, n. One who, profession virtues that he does not respect secures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises.

CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.

CHARITY, n. a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.

ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear.

LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.

TWICE, adv. Once too often.

REALLY, adv. Apparently.

CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High...

PALM, n. A species of tree having several varieties, of which the familiar “itching palm” (_Palma hominis_) is most widely distributed and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may...

PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and a fat preferment. One of Heaven’s aristocracy. A gentleman of God.

REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.

HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one.Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left — Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; When even his dog deserts him, and his goat With tranquil disaffection chews...

DIE, n. The singular of “”dice.”” We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, “”Never say die.”” At long intervals, however, some one says: “”The die is cast,”” which is not true,...

UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one’s own wife.

ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.

PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government authorities of the Church should be called presbyters.

Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends.