Those big green eyes were even bigger than usual as she stared at the two of them. For a moment, she looked like a kid who’d found the last cupcake on the planet.

Look, when I’m here, I don’t have to think. I don’t have to worry. I don’t even have to be me if I don’t want to. That came out wrong. I don’t have to be...

You’ve seen the movies. Bad guy always comes back.

Daddy, Momma! I made a friend. His name is Ike, and he ain’t got no tail because they chopped it off, but Aidan didn’t cop it off. Tourists chopped it off. But then Aiden went...

What’s up with all these guys not realizing they’re bisexual? Here’s the clue, buddy, when you’re around another dude and you get a hard-on, you might be bi.

I bet my sperm listens to your sperm just about as good as I listen to you. My sperm is also very impatient. It ran to that egg. Little Sam is gonna be a handful.

That life is far too short to waste on grudges. Love does not come along often. When it does, you can’t throw it away because it isn’t perfect.

I know. I put it on her finger. You can see that fucking diamond from space.

This was taken when my brother was last on leave. My mom’s new boyfriend took it. Now there’s an insane person. Well, he’s from the next town over. Everyone in that freaking town is butt-fuck...

I don’t think about that day the crazy lady tried to shoot Abby but got you instead. It was an awful day. When it does cross my mind, I turn it around and think about...

Excuse me. What did you say to me? For your information Danielle, the stick up my ass has served me well over the years. I will not be removing it, but I might have something...

I can pat your back and try really hard not to get an erection.

Thanks, babe. It takes true talent to get your ass whipped.

It’s just a little guy-liner,

I’m a nice person. I give money to starving babies and properly tip my hairdresser. Why am I the one everyone tries to kill?

Hey, it’s totally masculine. It’s cowboy butt sex.

Did not. My stubbornness doesn’t even own a gun. My stubbornness is a pacifist.

Not that you’ll have any fun. I know my safe word, and I intend to use it.