Look, when I’m here, I don’t have to think. I don’t have to worry. I don’t even have to be me if I don’t want to. That came out wrong. I don’t have to be...

You’ve seen the movies. Bad guy always comes back.

Daddy, Momma! I made a friend. His name is Ike, and he ain’t got no tail because they chopped it off, but Aidan didn’t cop it off. Tourists chopped it off. But then Aiden went...

What’s up with all these guys not realizing they’re bisexual? Here’s the clue, buddy, when you’re around another dude and you get a hard-on, you might be bi.

That life is far too short to waste on grudges. Love does not come along often. When it does, you can’t throw it away because it isn’t perfect.

This was taken when my brother was last on leave. My mom’s new boyfriend took it. Now there’s an insane person. Well, he’s from the next town over. Everyone in that freaking town is butt-fuck...

Excuse me. What did you say to me? For your information Danielle, the stick up my ass has served me well over the years. I will not be removing it, but I might have something...

Thanks, babe. It takes true talent to get your ass whipped.

I’m a nice person. I give money to starving babies and properly tip my hairdresser. Why am I the one everyone tries to kill?

Hey, it’s totally masculine. It’s cowboy butt sex.

Did not. My stubbornness doesn’t even own a gun. My stubbornness is a pacifist.

Not that you’ll have any fun. I know my safe word, and I intend to use it.