A blanket could be used to make magical music. And no, I’m not talking about sex and wailing orgasms, you pervert. That’s my sister you’re thinking about. And it’s particularly disgusting and disturbing because I...

I am the Magic Chicken of Desire. Just add water. And a brick and a blanket.

A blanket could be used to attract a potential mate. I’ve already got my mate. I bought her in a mannequin store (she was on sale).

A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll come over and enforce it.

A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been practicing my tuba, and I’m ready for a duet.

A blanket could be used as one square on a giant checkerboard.

A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together.

A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a bowl full of mute, but my favorite restaurant is out of the Helen...

A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you know?

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

A brick could be used to brighten up your day, like a lampshade over the sun dangling down over your dining room table. You’d better apply sunscreen to your ice cream or it’ll likely melt...

A blanket could be used to help me with the love and affection of Taylor Swift. If that sounds unbelievable, then try reading it soundlessly.

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.

A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness.

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.

A brick could be used to help you get used to the fact that you’ve been used. I’ve been used to, so I know what you’re going through. You’re going through a dark tunnel, and...

A brick could be used to control whole populations of people. Just get a good looking person, like a news anchor, to give it out to the masses and say soothing things with a straight...