A blanket could be used as a shield, in a fight with a cold shower. I know, because I won that battle this morning, only I wielded a sword—and an erection made of sleep.

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred.

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living in the past.

A blanket could be used to stop a train. Another good thing to use would be brakes. I’ll sell you a set of train breaks for the price of a warm night’s sleep.

A brick could be used to test how fast you throw a baseball, if, you know, baseballs were cube-shaped and integral to the construction of houses.

A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not sleeping on.

A brick could be used to tell the world’s largest Yes what you really want to tell it, which is no. Tell that Yes no now, and use a brick to help you do it.

A blanket could be used to let the world know how serious you are. I’m serious, it could work. Try wrapping your naked body in a blanket and showing up to a job interview and...

Bricks could be used to promote social progress. If we could amass enough bricks to build a prison big enough to cage every citizen, then everybody would be equal. And I think our current political...

A blanket could be used to make magical music. And no, I’m not talking about sex and wailing orgasms, you pervert. That’s my sister you’re thinking about. And it’s particularly disgusting and disturbing because I...

I am the Magic Chicken of Desire. Just add water. And a brick and a blanket.

A blanket could be used to attract a potential mate. I’ve already got my mate. I bought her in a mannequin store (she was on sale).

A blanket could be used to lay down the law. Lay it down over there, on top of the bed, and I’ll come over and enforce it.

A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been practicing my tuba, and I’m ready for a duet.

A blanket could be used as one square on a giant checkerboard.