Help! Someone help me! Is someone there? Hey! Oh sh*t, I’m probably dead.

I went to bed in my sh*thole apartment and I woke up in an actual sh*thole.

This is the most fun I’ve had without lubricant.

On some days, writing is wonderful. On the days when it is wonderful, it feels like you are the God of a universe that the rest of the world is not yet privy to. And...

My name is Very F**king Confused; what’s your name?

My last girlfriend was a feminist, vegan punk who broke up with me because she thought I was too angry.

I don’t give a crap if you covered yourself in peanut butter and had a 15 hooker gang bang!