Banks frown when employees torch the home of their principal account holder.

He thinks you were trapped in a tree in the 1920s. How is that not crazy?

I’ve worked with freshmen that were easier than this.

You are. You just don’t know yet.” (Victor)

Elvis is in the kitchen and he’s making eggs Benedict!

See? Instead of thinking of a way to help my people, all I can think of is the smell of your hair and that small dimple on your cheek when you smile.” (Victor)

Elvis is the soul of discretion.

But for a long time, and probably far too long, I had a secret wish: the adolescently romantic idea that there was someone out there for me; someone I hadn’t met yet who would ask...

Maybe you’re worried that I won’t seduce you?

He had a hungry look in his eyes and it frightened her.

You pretty much have to take the job since you hit him with the car.

This was going to be worse than the time I table danced in the diner in high school!

Turns out there’s a reason smoking is not allowed on construction sites.

I missed the good old days when phones were sturdy enough to be pounded for emphasis.

This house has enough nooks and crannies for English muffins.

You tell me the dead are coming through a crack in my barn, but I shouldn’t worry?

I am not going to ask that old man if his family home is haunted!

There’s no way to stand up gracefully when your pants are down around your ankles.

I knew I would lose my job when I accidentally set fire to my best friend’s house.