Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush’s budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with ‘Hey, look over there, it’s Saddam Hussein.’

The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he’s running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, ‘Four more vowels, four more vowels.’

It was reported that the Clintons plan on selling their home in Chappaqua. There’s already a plaque on the couch that says “The President Slept Here.”

Happy birthday to former First Lady Barbara Bush, who turned seventy-seven this week. Unfortunately, where her granddaughters helped blow out the candles on her cake, it exploded.

Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the...

John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, ‘What did I ever do to you?’

New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn’t know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.

Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race. He said, ‘If I can’t run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I’m out of here.’

we’re having Scotch.

Singer Boy Dylan was stopped at his own sow by security guards who failed to recognize the singer. Asked to comment, Dylan replied, “I can hardly blame them. Look at me.”

People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.

The French were so dominant, their goalie never had to drop his cigarette.

It’s not a big part, … I wheel in an ultrasound machine and say to Taylor’s gynecologist, ‘If you have a problem with it, just give it a light tap on the side.’ Then they...

President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, ‘I know you’re there, pick up, pick up.

Critics say Arnold has no previous government experience, but advisers say he’s clearly the most qualified Austrian, ex-Mr. Universe in the race.

are the intellectual property of Comedy Central.

[Which may also explain why the show at times seems to lapse into a pageant for the pretty and perky.] I’m a red-blooded American male, … but I try to be classy.

Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down.

A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn’t answer the phone.

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he’s running for governor. He’s got a great slogan – ‘Vote for me, or I’ll make ‘Kindergarten Cop II’

As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we’ll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our...

George W. Bush even stopped in Pennsylvania to try his hand at the lotto and gave up when he could only think of the numbers 4 and 17

They’re saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger.

In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World...

Bryant Gumbel is thrilled about his CBS deal and can’t wait to start alienating the staff of an entirely new network.

I would do that and watch him, and it’s depressing ’cause he is that good,

Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It’s the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark.

John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.

Five Questions,