CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.

DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.

PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw’s classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in “”reading character”” in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The pretence is not altogether false; character...

DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, whose important function is to brand the Pope’s bulls with the words _Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God.

HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one’s own spirits.Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbish had been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps –“”Hypochondriasis.”” It meant The Dumps....

LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system –an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and...

Congratulations is the civility of envy.

Perfection is an imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.

RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it into several European...

END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the Interlocutor.The man was perishing apace Who played the tambourine; The seal of death was on his face –‘Twas pallid, for ’twas clean.””This is the...

AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to.

RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two.

RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist.

MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot.

HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent invention; our...

UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.

APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.Of Roman history, great Niebuhr’s shown’Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish ’twere known, Ere...

UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode...

HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, but not infrequently confounded with “”aureola,”” or “”nimbus,”” a somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints. The halo is a purely...

Embalm, v.: To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile...

ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.One day a wag –what would the wretch be at? — Shifted a letter of the...

CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one’s reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, “the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.”

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum – I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.

ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one’s friend’s friend.

ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.

HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.

IN’ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not class the soul as an in’ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ...

Life. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.

ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.

TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.

EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador. An English sea-captain being asked if he had read “”The Exile of Erin,”” replied: “”No, sir, but I should like...

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, “”Is life worth living?”” has been much discussed;...

UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.

FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.

ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when...

BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which it is their business to deprive others.

Experience. The wisdom that enables us to recognize in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. Shaftesbury...

REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter.

DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French.

PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another. An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no better than death, was asked...

SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were...

PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.