A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.

PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an automobile.

DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead –a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers...

ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.

MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See _Molecule_.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without manifestation –Leibnitz knows him...

ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne.Poor Isabella’s Dead, whose abdication Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. For that performance ’twere unfair to...

DANGER, n.A savage beast which, when it sleeps, Man girds at and despises, But takes himself away by leaps And bounds when it arises. –Ambat Delaso

CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.

OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame’s eternal dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their...

Friendship is a ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.

RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually (and wickedly) spelled “”rhyme.””

IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.

VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler’s hope.””Why have you halted?”” roared the commander of a division and Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; “”move forward, sir, at once.””””General,”” said the...

SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance.

HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another’s superiority.

BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull....

PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by...

NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.

CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, “”Every man his own...

RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.

ROUNDHEAD, n. A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English civil war –so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other points...

MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign’s hostility. His principal qualification is a degree...

To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one’s voice.

ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.

OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed...

REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.

Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.The Enemy of Human Souls Sat grieving at the cost of coals; For Hell had been...

DIE, n. The singular of “dice.” We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, “Never say die.” At long intervals, however, some one says: “The die is cast,” which is not true,...

RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.

ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and devour it.

MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt.

MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen...

MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much.

ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood.Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said:””Behold, rash mortal, whom you’ve bled — Your soul’s stained white with...

IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of hands –a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.””Lo! by the...

FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.The sea was calm and the sky was blue; Merrily, merrily sailed we two.(High barometer maketh glad.) On the...

SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and...

HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh’s heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in...

ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in...

ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry met to consider it.””O servant of the Prophet,”” said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk...

OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser “”triumph.”” In modern English the word is improperly used to...

CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone.

REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; _de trop_.The Sultan said: “There’s evidence abundant To prove this unbelieving dog redundant.” To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, Replied: “His head, at least, appears excessive.” –Habeeb SuleimanMr. Debs...

REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.

REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.

MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present signification may be regarded as theology’s noblest contribution to the development of our language.

HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.”O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a blessing,” the White Man said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposing rites,...