EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.””I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,”” said Brillat- Savarin, beginning an anecdote. “”What!”” interrupted Rochebriant; “”eating dinner in a drawing-room?””...

ADOLESCENCE The stage between puberty and adultery.

MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.

ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts –guilty of education and suspected of bank...

PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth Palace when living and...

RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one’s neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.Alas, things ain’t what...

CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise...

PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction –prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.

REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors.

DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician’s forecast of the disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.

HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but...

ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king’s household, whose business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The king himself being...

PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man.The pig is taught by sermons and epistles To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles. –Judibras

Valor is a soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler’s hope.

SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one’s own.

FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection.

BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent.

HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets.

EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile...

RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for precious metals in the pocket of a fool.

OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if...

MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians joined the victorious Opposition.

RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of a...

HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not.

PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment.

Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the...

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis de Sales, said, on hearing him called...

GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth’s crust –to which, doubtless, will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe...

ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.””My accountability, bear in mind,”” Said the Grand Vizier: “”Yes, yes,”” Said the Shah: “”I do –’tis the only kind Of ability you possess.”” –Joram Tate

Backbite. To speak of a man as you find him when he can’t find you.

CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.

PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.He lived in a period prehistoric, When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded,...

BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.

RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments.

SEVERALTY, n. Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians are believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the lands that they have...

POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When we wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared...

FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries...

WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are said to eat more bread _per capita_ of population...

I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of the first person...

WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ’s tenderness towards widows was one of the most marked features of his character.

MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary one. Important.Material things I know, or fell, or see; All else is immaterial to me. –Jamrach Holobom

CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.As Death was a-rising out one day, Across Mount Camel he took his way, Where he met a mendicant monk, Some three or four quarters...

PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution.

Religions are conclusions for which the facts of nature supply no major premises

CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure and office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.The savage dies –they sacrifice...