Take away the contests of the martyrs, and you have taken away their crowns.

I’m past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I’d win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.

The only thing in life that’s really interesting is the contest. We are all contestants–whether we admit it or not. If I read 20 pages of a book and they’re no good, I put it...

All contests are unfair; you just have to win them.

If you don’t want a man unhappy politically, don’t give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing...