If you can just tape some kind of test tube with a friend’s urine in it to your thigh so it’s about as warm as your natural body temp, then you’re going to pass.

It was my job to make sure that these people were confirming positive. At that point, I’m basically saying this person is losing their job, or not getting hired, or just failed their parole, and...

We had a special test to see if there were any surfactants (such as dish detergent) in a sample.

If you’re going to get a job at a drug testing lab, and you do cocaine the night before, you’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever met.

I don’t know what the hell they put in it, but they’ve given us purple and green pee. I mean, it’s ridiculous. People will add anything, they’ll try vinegar. They’ll add anything under the sun.

It’s not going to do anything. You’re still going to fail.

We knew damn right they were positive, but we couldn’t get it within the right limits to actually legally confirm it.

It’s a little suspicious, but chances are they can’t fire you unless you really test positive.