Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that ‘Alice Faye picked a peck of pepper for the poor, piping pig in the purple poke.’ Wait—is that not what we’re talking about here?

Congratulations, Mousey, you’ve managed to insult every marsupial in the country in just under three kilometers.

I try not to laugh too loud, afraid a bark-like noise will be mistaken by any great whites lurking in the area as the distress call of a juvenile seal.

I’m almost afraid to tell you. Let’s put it this way: clean toilets are the least of your problems in this country.

You know what Munny said to me, right before we left? She said, ‘Watching someone die is hard work. Go to Australia and watch Faye fall in love with some dude named Rabbit. That should...

Didn’t you read the invitation? There’s going to be a game in a little while–the big Twister game in an hour. Make sure you eat plenty of bread.

Well, the gondola operator—whose name was ‘Happy,’ I might add—failed to inform me that about sixty seconds into the trip, the floor under the section of car I was standing on was going to slide...

Once the principals in their party are seated, with those lower on the totem pole left to grumble and move on to find another table, our once-cozy booth transforms into a damp fusion of vacuous...

If you ever pull a switcheroo like that again, Dee, I’m going to offer your boyfriend ten thousand dollars to make out with Alice for two minutes.

I don’t need to look at your primal, white-hot, mutant pirate eyes, big guy. Just forget that I’m there, and I’ll try to block out the fact that I ever met you. Basically we’ll just...

Don’t be such a dumbass, Gabe. Koalas don’t travel in herds. They move in heaps. Much like emus move in ripples, and kangaroos travel in photo-ops.

…once I realized that Australia’s top highway speed of 110 kilometers per hour was the same as going 65 in the U.S., all my hardened American enthusiasm for speed went limp until it felt like...

Be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn, In that case, you should always be a unicorn.

What if it’s a shy fish? Is that a ‘coy koi?’ What? Don’t hate me because I’m asking the important questions.

I’m good at being vague and unpredictable. It’s sort of a hard habit to break.

. I’ve watched about a dozen tourists almost get hit by cars since I’ve been here. I barely made it to the beach alive the other day. I mean, no one knows what they’re doing....

I’ve found that lifting the lid with your foot is the most thorough and least gross path to two minutes of peace of mind.

You can donate marrow for her, Alice Faye, you can’t cure her. You can win a poker tournament, but that won’t make her want to live. So I’ll ask you again: Who are you, and...

This is from the queen? And you say it’s for a mouse? I’m sorry, sir, but the Pyramid Hotel doesn’t allow any pets except for service animals.

I am commanding you, as an older and wiser brother, to get over here, get on this caterpillar, and ride to the top of this mushroom with me.

No thanks…Dodo, was it? I don’t know if I can watch you have performance problems twice in ten days.

I think it would be prudent to advise you that due to extraordinary circumstances beyond our control, the original plan we had for participating in and extending the duration of the IPT Main Event has...

Are you referring to the day you instructed me to ‘follow the white rabbit,’ plied me with absinthe and brownies, and tried to have your way with me? Didn’t take long for you to lose...

After one and a half cocktails, finding the appropriate response is a bit of a challenge. I finally say, ‘Thank you for inviting me,’ and leave the less desirable ‘Want to play strip poker?’ in...

That’s the thing you girls never get. It doesn’t matter if you just woke up, or just got done bawling, or just finished your make-up. When a guy’s all love-sick over a chick, she looks...

We’re late. For a VERY important date

Okay then, I suppose you get a pass on poker intimidation for the glasses, little brother. But everyone else is wearing them at the tables too, and they’re all just sitting there, looking all serious,...

Oh, I have plenty of problems with Rabbit, it’s just that my comfort level with his name is standing in line behind about a hundred more important things.

Locals. They’ll eventually get out. They’re annoyed. Like when Americans go to the lake. And it’s closed. ‘Cause some kid pooped in the water.