You know what Munny said to me, right before we left? She said, ‘Watching someone die is hard work. Go to Australia and watch Faye fall in love with some dude named Rabbit. That should...

Didn’t you read the invitation? There’s going to be a game in a little while–the big Twister game in an hour. Make sure you eat plenty of bread.

Well, the gondola operator—whose name was ‘Happy,’ I might add—failed to inform me that about sixty seconds into the trip, the floor under the section of car I was standing on was going to slide...

Once the principals in their party are seated, with those lower on the totem pole left to grumble and move on to find another table, our once-cozy booth transforms into a damp fusion of vacuous...

If you ever pull a switcheroo like that again, Dee, I’m going to offer your boyfriend ten thousand dollars to make out with Alice for two minutes.

I don’t need to look at your primal, white-hot, mutant pirate eyes, big guy. Just forget that I’m there, and I’ll try to block out the fact that I ever met you. Basically we’ll just...

Don’t be such a dumbass, Gabe. Koalas don’t travel in herds. They move in heaps. Much like emus move in ripples, and kangaroos travel in photo-ops.

…once I realized that Australia’s top highway speed of 110 kilometers per hour was the same as going 65 in the U.S., all my hardened American enthusiasm for speed went limp until it felt like...

Be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn, In that case, you should always be a unicorn.

What if it’s a shy fish? Is that a ‘coy koi?’ What? Don’t hate me because I’m asking the important questions.

I’m good at being vague and unpredictable. It’s sort of a hard habit to break.

. I’ve watched about a dozen tourists almost get hit by cars since I’ve been here. I barely made it to the beach alive the other day. I mean, no one knows what they’re doing....

I’ve found that lifting the lid with your foot is the most thorough and least gross path to two minutes of peace of mind.

You can donate marrow for her, Alice Faye, you can’t cure her. You can win a poker tournament, but that won’t make her want to live. So I’ll ask you again: Who are you, and...

This is from the queen? And you say it’s for a mouse? I’m sorry, sir, but the Pyramid Hotel doesn’t allow any pets except for service animals.

I am commanding you, as an older and wiser brother, to get over here, get on this caterpillar, and ride to the top of this mushroom with me.

No thanks…Dodo, was it? I don’t know if I can watch you have performance problems twice in ten days.

I think it would be prudent to advise you that due to extraordinary circumstances beyond our control, the original plan we had for participating in and extending the duration of the IPT Main Event has...

Are you referring to the day you instructed me to ‘follow the white rabbit,’ plied me with absinthe and brownies, and tried to have your way with me? Didn’t take long for you to lose...

After one and a half cocktails, finding the appropriate response is a bit of a challenge. I finally say, ‘Thank you for inviting me,’ and leave the less desirable ‘Want to play strip poker?’ in...

That’s the thing you girls never get. It doesn’t matter if you just woke up, or just got done bawling, or just finished your make-up. When a guy’s all love-sick over a chick, she looks...

We’re late. For a VERY important date

Okay then, I suppose you get a pass on poker intimidation for the glasses, little brother. But everyone else is wearing them at the tables too, and they’re all just sitting there, looking all serious,...

Oh, I have plenty of problems with Rabbit, it’s just that my comfort level with his name is standing in line behind about a hundred more important things.

Locals. They’ll eventually get out. They’re annoyed. Like when Americans go to the lake. And it’s closed. ‘Cause some kid pooped in the water.

Wait, and you had to ask him if Faye’s in danger? IF? Okay, first of all, I’m just going to admit that I didn’t know Japan had a Mafia, but I also didn’t know they...

Have you thrown ‘Why is a raven like a writing desk?’ at her yet?

You’re in the country of the kangaroo and the duck-billed platypus, and you’re asking ‘why is it a mushroom? Because it just IS.

Suddenly, the giant, three-headed dog that guards the entrance to the Underworld appears next to her—sans two of its heads—and sits down. As a child, we had a neighbor with a Great Dane, and I...

I slump in my chair, thinking how a narcotic party of one is no party at all.

Oh, Alice, you haven’t even had a taste of my romantic streak yet. And when the time’s right I don’t think I’ll have to ‘try’ to have my way with you. I just WILL.

Speaking of your eyeballs, dear brother,I overheard some girls talking about you in the restroom at the tournament hotel. Apparently rumor now has it that you won’t allow anyone to see your eyes—ever. In fact,...

I have a totally unhealthy and unrealistic fear of being eaten by a great white shark. This is because I belong to a very specific demographic called American Child Whose Parents Made the Ill-Advised Decision...

Right, ‘the Queen of Hearts.’ Sounds to me like you’re just one bitch in a whole pack of cards, baby.

Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel when I’m around you: confused, but still satisfied.’ I freeze, trying to figure out how to cancel it out and replace it with something that sounds a whole lot...

I don’t think Australians ever use a couple of words when twenty will do just fine.

Hey…you don’t look like a rabbit.

And just so you know—that winter forest we walked into first? That was from Through the Looking Glass too. Hey, if you’re going to saddle me with the blame for your overconsumption, at least get...

For someone named Alice, you’re really not all that up on your Wonderland trivia.

I’m not sure a real man would smoke something that sounds like a mixed drink ice cream cone.

For the first time, there’s no barrier between us and we make eye contact. All of a sudden, I feel like the character in Raiders of the Lost Ark—the one who watches in horror as...

Aw, you’re nothing but heart, Mako. Nice valentine in your skull, by the way. Is that temporary or did the Tanaka-kai change their daimon to attract the Powerpuff Girls crowd?

Oh, and Mr. Montgomery? I think I counted about four dozen important-sounding words and almost no substance at all in that explanation. I don’t think you should close the door on your diplomatic career entirely.

My butt has a maximum drive time of seven hours.

Like your sweet, affectionate house cat, Alice Dahl is easy to underestimate. It’s not until the songbirds in the yard show up eviscerated on the front porch that you realize you should’ve kept that bell...

The words ‘drink me’ come to mind. Anyone besides me up for some heavy alcohol consumption?

I brought you out here because I wanted to share a sunrise with you, and maybe even a sunset. I wanted to see how much I could kiss you between now and the time we...

man-whore” to someone’s sister?

I grimace, thinking someone should come up with a new phrase for ‘I left the ocean without a kiwi-sized chunk of my lower-left butt cheek’ to replace the rather nebulous term ‘exploratory bite.

I made sure to brush my teeth as soon as I was able. I even asked for a hair tie to pull my long, blood-red hair into a twist at the nape of my neck...