I think it should be obvious by now that I’m not necessarily interested in reality.

Seriously, what is the purpose? Maybe I’d feel better about walking around speaking fluent jive if I knew there was a reason for it.

So you went back to your friend’s next donkament two weeks later, and this time you just laughed right along when they gave you that framed picture of the poker hands. And when they called...

When she reaches down to touch his shoulder—a gesture only a few species and a million or so years removed from lifting a leg and marking him as her territory with a stream of urine—enough...

I think I can say with confidence that it’s a lot funnier if you haven’t actually been attacked by a shark.

The question is: will I get used to a menu with kilojoules instead of calories? I mean, I don’t think anyone even knows how many kilojoules are in a calorie. I had to break out...

Did the Ancient Greeks ever write anything funny—like slapstick? I mean, I think I speak for everyone when I say that there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of well-written physical comedy.

You can pay for whatever you want, but I just want to warn you that I prefer to stay at places that don’t start or end with the word ‘motel.

As you know, the International Poker Tour, by its own admission, knows very little about poker games, one of which ended tragically last week when an IPT-sanctioned tournament aboard a yacht in Australia accidentally used...

Turns out rolling your eyes in a bar when ‘Land Down Under’ plays is like someone belching during the Star Spangled Banner in America.

Fun fact: You may hug koalas in the Australian state of New South Wales, but not in Queensland. So…if you didn’t hug your koala nice and tight before you got here to Sydney, you’re going...

If one more person tells me how big this country is, I’m going to go kick a koala.

My help—it’s not a light switch you can turn on and off. My help starts right now, and after this point you don’t get to tell me that you don’t want it anymore. Understand? You...

I like it because when people use a lot of poker lingo, it usually means they’ve been playing the game for a while. Which is why I immediately avoid those people.

Mouse likes to drag you to uninhabited areas with no cell signal—all those places perfect for dying of exposure.

Do you really think I’d let him call my sister a ‘bitch?’ Or you for that matter? Talon Hawk’s dumb, but he’s smarter than that…he’d be crawling around on his hands and knees picking his...

Are we turning back? Because if you’re just trying to solve my post-traumatic stress problem by exposing me to rock sharks until I’m desensitized, trust me—that ship has sailed.

Would you like to hear about the fascinating things lizards can do if you chew off their tails?

I don’t think I heard the same ending you did. Maybe you should tell it again.

Alice, you might be the product of the biggest ball of ignorance, confidence, and good fortune the universe has ever manufactured. But if you’re thinking that you can take your results at the virtual tables...

Souris says you wanted to see me, so here I am. Talk quick before I decide to beat the shit out of you and throw your bloody carcass back across the International Date Line.

Oh, yeah, that goatee is really unattractive. That definitely belongs on a much fatter man.

I hear they’re all infected with chlamydia, which just goes to show that you really can’t tell who’s got the clam. I mean, look at a picture of a koala…tell me you’re not shocked.

I believe it went like this—and stop me if I’m wrong, Mousey: ‘Listen, we may not be our own continent and everything, but we have a big country over in America too.

Did you forget a dentist appointment or something, big guy? Where the hell did you hop off to?

So ‘fatal’ only kills you two out of three times these days? That’s good to know.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but Australians have a LOT of bitches on their cashola.

Don’t make me Alice-nap you, Alice. Because you know I can carry you.

That’s exactly where they send entry-level diplomats. After you cut your teeth on a few civil wars and a famine or two, you might get lucky and be given a plum post somewhere in the...

So…while we’re sitting here on this luxury yacht enjoying our bread and water, why doesn’t someone tell me the plan?

I don’t know what this is for anyway. I mean, let me tell you what I’m never going to say to any human being, ever: ‘I had hunting season off-suit in the pocket, but I’ve...

Alice? You didn’t get this far without realizing that you don’t have to cheat to win. You just have to accept that people are easily manipulated.

I want to kiss my brother for being so tactful. Rabbit looks grateful as well, and I can only imagine what it would be like to trot out your embarrassing ‘enjo kosai’ problem in front...

Are you saying that you need an attorney? For what? As far as I know, being a dick isn’t against the law in any country.

In any other fabric of space-time, my brother would have picked up Dee’s venereal disease-infested koala punt and run it straight down the line of vulgarity, all the way to the touchdown of tastelessness.

Yeah, well, when they say ‘You know it’s a long way, don’t you?’ what they really mean is: ‘You know it’d be faster if you just rode a kangaroo, don’t you?

Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that ‘Alice Faye picked a peck of pepper for the poor, piping pig in the purple poke.’ Wait—is that not what we’re talking about here?

Congratulations, Mousey, you’ve managed to insult every marsupial in the country in just under three kilometers.

I try not to laugh too loud, afraid a bark-like noise will be mistaken by any great whites lurking in the area as the distress call of a juvenile seal.

I’m almost afraid to tell you. Let’s put it this way: clean toilets are the least of your problems in this country.

You know what Munny said to me, right before we left? She said, ‘Watching someone die is hard work. Go to Australia and watch Faye fall in love with some dude named Rabbit. That should...

Didn’t you read the invitation? There’s going to be a game in a little while–the big Twister game in an hour. Make sure you eat plenty of bread.

Well, the gondola operator—whose name was ‘Happy,’ I might add—failed to inform me that about sixty seconds into the trip, the floor under the section of car I was standing on was going to slide...

Once the principals in their party are seated, with those lower on the totem pole left to grumble and move on to find another table, our once-cozy booth transforms into a damp fusion of vacuous...

If you ever pull a switcheroo like that again, Dee, I’m going to offer your boyfriend ten thousand dollars to make out with Alice for two minutes.

I don’t need to look at your primal, white-hot, mutant pirate eyes, big guy. Just forget that I’m there, and I’ll try to block out the fact that I ever met you. Basically we’ll just...

Don’t be such a dumbass, Gabe. Koalas don’t travel in herds. They move in heaps. Much like emus move in ripples, and kangaroos travel in photo-ops.

…once I realized that Australia’s top highway speed of 110 kilometers per hour was the same as going 65 in the U.S., all my hardened American enthusiasm for speed went limp until it felt like...

Be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn, In that case, you should always be a unicorn.

What if it’s a shy fish? Is that a ‘coy koi?’ What? Don’t hate me because I’m asking the important questions.