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Life is sentences

Humor

A lot of men tend to want “models”I tell men, u…

A lot of men tend to want "models"I tell men, unless they look like a model themselves, they can't expect to land one.

A lot of men tend to want “models”I tell men, unless they look like a model themselves, they can’t expect to land one.

Atty’s eyes rested on Darby with all the subtle…

Atty’s eyes rested on Darby with all the subtlety of a dog watching his food bowl being filled!

Atty’s eyes rested on Darby with all the subtlety of a dog watching his food bowl being filled!

We’re actors — we’re the opposite of people!

We're actors — we're the opposite of people!

We’re actors — we’re the opposite of people!

If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come …

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?

I mean, wha comfort does pretendin to be a Budd…

I mean, wha comfort does pretendin to be a Buddhist or wharrever give him? What's wrong with pretendin to be a Catholic like the rest of us?

I mean, wha comfort does pretendin to be a Buddhist or wharrever give him? What’s wrong with pretendin to be a Catholic like the rest of us?

The average sparrow is something of a bore and …

The average sparrow is something of a bore and the trouble is that all sparrows are average.

The average sparrow is something of a bore and the trouble is that all sparrows are average.

It is really surprising what may be done in the…

It is really surprising what may be done in the home with a small can of paint, if you aren't careful.

It is really surprising what may be done in the home with a small can of paint, if you aren’t careful.

Etiquette, or dog in the original Coptic, means…

Etiquette, or dog in the original Coptic, means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.

Etiquette, or dog in the original Coptic, means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.

Infant wart hogs resemble both sides of the fam…

Infant wart hogs resemble both sides of the family.

Infant wart hogs resemble both sides of the family.

As llamas have never heard of oxygen, they do n…

As llamas have never heard of oxygen, they do not miss it.

As llamas have never heard of oxygen, they do not miss it.

Whales are silly once every two years. The youn…

Whales are silly once every two years. The young are called short-heads or baby blimps. Many whale romances begin in Baffin's bay and end in Procter and Gamble's factory, Staten Island.

Whales are silly once every two years. The young are called short-heads or baby blimps. Many whale romances begin in Baffin’s bay and end in Procter and Gamble’s factory, Staten Island.

There are 2,500 kinds of sponges, all of them c…

There are 2,500 kinds of sponges, all of them consist largely of holes.

There are 2,500 kinds of sponges, all of them consist largely of holes.

A few alligators are naturally of the vicious t…

A few alligators are naturally of the vicious type and inclined to resent it when you prod them with a stick. You can find out which ones these are by prodding them.

A few alligators are naturally of the vicious type and inclined to resent it when you prod them with a stick. You can find out which ones these are by prodding them.

Intelligence is the capacity to know what we ar…

Intelligence is the capacity to know what we are doing and instinct is just instinct. The results are about the same.

Intelligence is the capacity to know what we are doing and instinct is just instinct. The results are about the same.

Rules and school are tools for fools! I don’t g…

Rules and school are tools for fools! I don't give two mules for rules.

Rules and school are tools for fools! I don’t give two mules for rules.

You can’t do much for the poor, as they are not…

You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.

You can’t do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.

The stork is voiceless because there is really …

The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say.

The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say.

Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure …

Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.

Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.

I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It’s really a…

I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It's really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself.

I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It’s really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself.

In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, …

In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it’s fight or flight. With Tommy it’s always fright and flight.

In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it’s fight or flight. With Tommy it’s always fright and flight.

maybes”.’ ‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But if what I’m say…

maybes”.’ ‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But if what I’m saying is correct …

maybes”.’ ‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But if what I’m saying is correct …

Anticipation tingled in my stomach: the kind of…

Anticipation tingled in my stomach: the kind of tingle that at first you don’t know if it’s a good tingle or a bad tingle – just a tingle.

Anticipation tingled in my stomach: the kind of tingle that at first you don’t know if it’s a good tingle or a bad tingle – just a tingle.

you are what you wear

you are what you wear

you are what you wear

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman…

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

The most pleasant and alluring curve on a woman is the smile

I paid the cabman exactly his fare. He received…

I paid the cabman exactly his fare. He received it with an oath; upon which I instantly gave him a tract. If I had presented a pistol at his head, this abandoned wretch could hardly have exhibited greater consternation. He jumped up on his box, and, with profane exclamations of dismay, drove off furiously. Quite useless, I am happy to say! I sowed the good seed, in spite of him, by throwing a second tract in at the window of the cab.

I paid the cabman exactly his fare. He received it with an oath; upon which I instantly gave him a tract. If I had presented a pistol at his head, this abandoned wretch could hardly…

He was, out of all sight (as I remember him), t…

He was, out of all sight (as I remember him), the nicest boy that ever spun a top or broke a window.

He was, out of all sight (as I remember him), the nicest boy that ever spun a top or broke a window.

There are three things that none of the young m…

There are three things that none of the young men of the present generation can do.They can't sit over their wine;they can't play at wist;and they can't pay a lady a compliment.

There are three things that none of the young men of the present generation can do.They can’t sit over their wine;they can’t play at wist;and they can’t pay a lady a compliment.

The dull people decided years and years ago, as…

The dull people decided years and years ago, as everyone knows, that novel-writing was the lowest species of literary exertion, and that novel reading was a dangerous luxury and an utter waste of time.

The dull people decided years and years ago, as everyone knows, that novel-writing was the lowest species of literary exertion, and that novel reading was a dangerous luxury and an utter waste of time.

Whether a man is a criminal or a public servant…

Whether a man is a criminal or a public servant is purely a matter of perspective.

Whether a man is a criminal or a public servant is purely a matter of perspective.

It starts innocently. Casually. You turn up at …

It starts innocently. Casually. You turn up at the annual spring fair full of beans, help with the raffle tickets (because the pretty red-haired music teacher asks you to) and win a bottle of whiskey (all school raffles are fixed), and, before you know where you are, you're turning up at the weekly school council meetings, organizing concerts, discussing plans for a new music department, donating funds for the rejuvenation of the water fountains—you're implicated in the school, you're involved in it. Sooner or later you stop dropping your children at the school gates. You start following them in.

It starts innocently. Casually. You turn up at the annual spring fair full of beans, help with the raffle tickets (because the pretty red-haired music teacher asks you to) and win a bottle of whiskey…

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